"God dwells within you, as you." -Elizabeth Gilbert
I watched Eat, Pray, Love tonight. It was definitely something I needed to watch today, as I, myself, and embarking on a journey to find myself. Another great quote by Elizabeth is this one:
"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."
That quote hit me like a ton of bricks. God is always speaking to us, even when we think He isn’t. There are messages from Him all over and it’s only when we stop for a second and re-evaluate, do we realize what He is trying to say. There will be a great outcome from this pain and hurt I’ve gone through. I have to start with forgiving myself and thanking those people that hurt me, as they were the ones putting me on the path to finding my own happiness.
I realize this post is a little jumbled and may not make a lot of sense to some, but it’s crystal clear to me.
Yesterday was pretty bad. The day before was not so great either. I was pretty sure I hit rock bottom after the last 48 hours’ events. I woke up at 6:20 this morning and could not fall asleep. My mind was on overdrive. I was laying there with that familiar dull ache in my chest that I’ve seemed to grown accustomed to these days.
I realized something: before I can truly let anyone in, someone that will truly love me, someone that will deserve me, I need to get my priorities in order. I need to learn how to love, respect, and be patient with myself. When things go wrong, I blame myself before anything else. I’m always beating myself up over things. I need to put myself first and fall in love with myself all over again. I need to learn all the little things about myself that make me wonderful and get rid of the negative things that are harming me. I don’t think it’s a secret to most of you that I smoke. I am in no way bashing those who do it, but for me to get back on track, I need to stop and take care of myself: physically and mentally. I’ve been praying a lot more. I want to stop drinking for a while. Completely detox my body, mind, and soul. I think it’s long overdue.